Ask Amy: Should parents tell their children they were conceived using donor eggs?

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dear Amy: I’ve read advice in your column that suggests it’s wiser to tell children about their adoption at a very young age.

My six-year-old twin grandchildren have never been told that their mom’s eggs came from an egg donor.

The parents are now divorced but very friendly. Should they tell the children?

Their mom carried them and gave birth to them.

Wonder: As with children who join their families through adoption, parents should also tell children who were conceived through donation their true birth story, ideally starting when the children are pre-verbal .

This gives parents plenty of practice telling the story and normalizes it for everyone.

What parents should NOT do is treat this as a family mystery or secret. Families are made in many different ways, and children are able to understand this because they see it in their own world.

Children notice that not all families are the same. For example, the parents of your grandchildren are divorced, but the parents and children are still together in a family. They are also quite curious about their own origin story.

Not knowing the truth and then discovering it can be really traumatic for people who, upon learning that their birth is the result of sperm or egg donation, may find it difficult to understand their true identity and wonder why no one told them the story they were told. surrounded his conception and birth. .

Another reason for parents to tell, and retell, this story is that in this day of easy DNA testing (and certainly in the future), all children will eventually have access to this knowledge when they are older.

Since these parents are divorced, they should both talk to the twins about how happily they came into the world. They must answer all questions as they arise. Although some donor-conceived people eventually meet their biological relatives, they know that their parents are the people who raised them.

There are several delightful children’s books that describe this process in age-appropriate ways.

One I like is “The Pea that was Me: An Egg-Donation Story,” by Kimberly Kluger-Bell (2012, CreateSpace Independent).

dear Amy: My wife and I have two small children. One is in preschool and the other is in first grade. My wife and I work.

I recently found a basketball league for other parents that I would like to join. The games are one night a week.

I haven’t approached my wife about doing this, but honestly, I’m nervous about it. She works very hard and I don’t want her to feel like I’m abandoning her.

Maybe I should wait until the kids are older.

Father:Trust me: If “waiting until the kids are older” is your primary coping strategy, you’ll never leave the house again.

Parenting younger children is often about divide and conquer.

Both you and your spouse need to find something besides work (and outside the home) that engages you, empowers you, and connects you with other adults.

You should approach her with the idea that if she can hold the fort one weeknight, you’ll take another night (or a weekend morning).

If your wife is overwhelmed with this idea, you may be able to find an impromptu game on a Saturday or Sunday and bring the kids with you or hire someone to play with the kids while you play with the dads.

dear Amy: Your recent response to a “Feeling Guilty” letter, which concerned discussions of wages and compensation disclosure in the workplace, was woefully incomplete.

Companies may have a policy against salary discussions or at least a culture of non-disclosure.

The fact that wage discussions are protected by law does not mean that such discussions are appropriate. There are legitimate reasons why raises are provided for some but not for others.

If the letter writer shares this personal information in an effort to help the co-worker, it may backfire and damage the letter writer’s career.

Upset: In my (admittedly limited) experience, most companies have a “culture of nondisclosure.” That’s because the company has an interest in co-workers keeping their compensation a secret.

“Feeling Guilty” reported that her colleague confided in her that she (the colleague) had not received a raise during her entire 10-year career with the company.

Feeling Guilty, who had received several raises, could encourage his colleague to look for another job by stating that others have received raises, without disclosing details.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson Distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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